


Breathe Me

by SawyerDay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cheating, Dark, Depressed Dean Winchester, Destiel - Freeform, Divorce, Engagement, F/M, Graphic Description, Healing, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infertility, Love, M/M, Non-Consensual Electroconvulsive Therapy, Recreational Drug Use, Religion, Supportive Castiel, Supportive Sam Winchester, Therapy, lying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-25 10:46:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 32
Words: 18,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13832541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SawyerDay/pseuds/SawyerDay
Summary: Dean is disturbingly depressed and starts on a long and painful journey to healing himself.





	1. Rock Bottom

Dean hears the front door slam from where he stands upstairs; it’s the most painful sound he's heard in a long time.   

 

With Cas gone and no one around, Dean’s legs give out and he falls the floor. His hands cover his face and the tears he’d been holding back are forcing their way out of his eyes, down his arms, and dampening his shirt. He’s so fucked up and he knows it. Why doesn’t anyone else see it? Why does everyone keep trying to fix him? Why does no one else see that he’s so broken he can’t be fixed?

 

Everyone around him loves him so damn much and he can’t accept it. He can’t see the good. Everything about him is dark and sticky, like a thick poison pumping through veins. Nothing about him is goodness. He is death, destruction, and despair, all in one neat little package. Everything he touches shatters and leaves gaping wounds in those around him. 

 

Somewhere in his tangled thoughts, his sadness turns to anger and his fist meets the floor. It’s not enough to stop the hurt, so he punches again. Still not enough. He punches again, finally, he feels a sharp pain shoot up his arm. He knows he’s broken something and the pain is nearly unbearable, but he smiles anyway. This pain he can deal with. This pain he can live with. This pain will heal eventually. This pain doesn’t linger so long that you forget who you are. This pain will end.

 

“Dean?” He doesn’t move. He stays kneeled on the floor cradling his hand. He chuckles to himself as he hears his brother make his way up the stairs. “Dean, what are you doing?”

 

“I’m okay, Sammy,” Dean laughs, staring at the floor. The tears in his eyes blind his vision. Sam kneels in front of his brother and puts a hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

 

“Cas called and said you got into an argument. I got here as fast as I could.” 

 

Dean looks up at his brother. He doesn’t care that his face is covered in snot and tears. He must be a sight to see because Sam’s face changes. It’s more than sadness. It’s deeper and it rips through Dean’s chest like a knife. 

 

“Don’t.”

 

“Dean, come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.” 

 

Sam pulls on his brother's arm lightly and Dean curses in pain. “Dean, your hand! What ha-?”

 

“Who gives a flying fuck? Why, Sam? Why do you care? I’m...worthless. I’m...I’m garbage! I’ve done nothing but make your life miserable!”

 

Sam stands up so quickly he nearly pushes Dean over, “Get up," Sam says. There’s an edge in his voice that, even like this, makes Dean scared of his brother.

 

“Just leave me alone, please.”

 

“Get up or I’m calling the fucking police,” Sam’s eyes are cold and terrifying and Dean knows he doesn’t have a choice. He has to get up. Slowly he stands, careful not to move his fingers too much.

 

Sam walks out of the room without saying a word and Dean knows he’s supposed to follow him. There is no point in trying to fight with Sam. Dean would lose on purpose just to feel something other than the shame, guilt, and regret slithering up his spine. Sam is waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. He’s on his phone talking in hushed tones but hangs up before Dean is on the main floor to hear anything. 

 

“We’re going to the hospital,” He says and walks out the front door. Dean stands there for a moment. It would be so easy to get what he wants. He could just stand here and force Sam to hurt him. He could do it. He could slip some of the pills from the medicine cabinet in his mouth before he gets to the car. He would die before they even reach the hospital. He could do so many things to get what he wants.

 

It would be so easy. 

 

“Dean. Now,” Sam is closer now. He focuses on his brother's face and there is so much he wants to say. So much he wants to apologize for. 

 

“Okay,” Dean starts moving towards the door. His hand is throbbing against his chest and he wants to slam it against the wall just to dull the ache in his soul. He doesn’t, but he wants to so bad he’s giddy at the thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	2. Little Brother

Cas leaves Dean standing in their bedroom open mouthed and eyes glistening with tears. He doesn’t care if Dean hurts right now. He should feel something real for once. Before Cas is in his car he’s dialing Sam.

 

“ _Hey, Cas! How’d it go?_ ” Sam’s voice is so happy Cas almost doesn’t tell him that he and Dean are fighting, but he knows Dean, and he knows that he’s going to need someone to catch him when he falls. 

 

“It didn’t,” Cas’ voice cracks and he has to clear his throat before he continues, “I uh...I didn’t ask him. H-He told me he wasn’t good enough for me. I didn’t even get the chance to ask him before he started trying to break up with me.”

 

“ _Shit_ ,” Sam curses and Cas knows he’s already moving to get to his brother.

 

“I, I had to leave. I had to get out of there, he...he just...sucks the life from me. He hates himself so much, and I love him, God, I love him, but I can’t be there this time. I don’t want to watch him break himself apart.”

 

_“I’m on my way, Cas. Don’t worry. We will...we’ll get him help. Alright? Just, don’t give up on him. Please, don’t give up on him_ ,” Sam hangs up before Cas can reply. He knows things are bad, but giving up isn’t ever going to be an option. He would rather die than be without Dean. 

 

Cas closes the door to his car and the ring in his pocket feels heavier than it should. This was supposed to be a good day. A happy day and it was ruined. Everything was ruined. Why couldn’t Dean just understand that he’s loved and cherished? Why can’t he let anyone in to help mend those parts of him no one has seen?

 

He starts up the car and drives towards the last place he should be going. But he doesn’t have a choice. He has to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	3. Please.

The drive to the hospital is uncomfortable and tense. No amount of classic rock was going to help this situation. Dean is bad again and Sam wishes with everything inside of himself that it’s not too late.

 

They pull up to the curb and Sam looks at his brother. His eyes are red-rimmed and puffy and he’s staring out the window like a brain-dead zombie. 

 

“Dean?” 

 

Dean’s eyes flicker to Sam's face for a moment before the tears start up again. Sam reaches out a hand and grabs the back of his brother's neck and squeezes gently. He pulls his brother towards him and their foreheads touch for a moment. 

 

“Dean, It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this,” Sam’s eyes start to burn with tears of his own, but he can’t let them out yet. 

 

Sam pulls the keys from the ignition and takes off his seatbelt before opening the door to the car. He tenses as the opposite door opens. He hopes that this isn’t going to be like the last time. He hopes that Dean will go in and let the doctors help him. He hopes that he’ll let anyone help him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	4. Invisible

He could run. It would be so easy to get away. But he can’t do that to his family again. He can’t make them worry. He can’t make them think that he’s dead or that he’s gone and never coming back. He doesn’t think his brother could live through that again. 

He pushes on the door with his good hand and stands to wait for his brother. His legs are shaking and his mind is screaming at him to run. Get away! He doesn’t want to be locked up again. He doesn’t want to be strapped down to a bed and shot up with drugs that make his mind feel like he’s thinking in slow motion. But he has to. He has to get better. 

This day should have gone better than this. He should be happy. He sabotaged his own proposal. It was supposed to be a secret and he found out and ruined it because he’s too fucking scared to commit. At least that’s what he’s telling himself. He knows Cas loves him, he knows that Cas would do anything for him and that’s what makes this whole thing so fucking awful. He’s hurt Cas again.

“Dean,” Sam is standing in front of him now and there are two nurses flanking him. One of them is holding a syringe in his hand. They know he’s a runner, but he’s not going to run this time. He lets them take him inside and place him in a room that’s much too small. It makes his brain feel like it’s being squeezed inside his head. His lungs breathe in and out too quickly and his vision is starting to darken around the edges. 

“Dean?” 

He can hear Sam’s voice, it’s comforting, in the same way, putting on your favorite sweatshirt would be. But this is okay. Passing out is better than having to hear them talk about him like he isn’t sitting in the same room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	5. Big Brother

Cas slams his car into park and stares up at the large building in front of him. He has to see his brother. It’s been years but he pushes his way into the building and ignores the guard at the front desk. He runs up the stairs and scans the doors looking for his brother’s name. He finds it and opens the door without knocking. 

“Cassie?” Cas sighs in response and paces back in forth in front of his brother's large desk. His brother is frozen in place; half sitting half standing. “Castiel?”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come unannounced,” Castiel stops and looks at his brother, his mouth opening and closing as if he’s going to say something. He doesn’t. His eyes fill with tears. What could he say even if he wanted to? The truth? It’s been ten years. What could he say right now that would make this less awkward?

“What’s going on, Castiel? Are you alright?” Gabriel’s voice is calm and even. He takes a hesitant step forward. 

“You asked me years ago about my friend. You asked me and I lied,” Cas’s voice trembles at the admission. He waits for his brother to yell at him or hit him or force him to leave, but he doesn’t. He just stands there. He doesn’t look angry, sad, upset, nothing. His brother probably thought he had died and now he's in his office pacing like a lunatic. Why did he come here? Why would he risk this? Dean. Dean was in trouble. He, himself was in trouble. 

Castiel takes a seat in one of the chairs in front of his brother's desk. While his brother’s reaction isn’t unpleasant Cas still feels like throwing up. Coming out as an adult was never in the cards. He was just going to go on with his life and pretend like no one else existed.

“I know.” Gabriel finally says. 

 

“You know?” Cas’s eyes find his brothers. It comforts Castiel in a strange way. Like maybe when he left time was frozen and it didn’t rip out his brother's heart like he imagines it did. 

“Of course I know. You’re my brother.”

“I was going to ask him to marry me today,” Cas admits and again the weight of the ring in his pocket is distracting. He pulls out the box and drops it down on the desk. The box pops open and his future is sitting there. It’s black and silver and shines, even in the fluorescent light.

“Sit down, we can talk about it,” His brother motions to the chair across from the desk. Castiel sits but he doesn’t know where to start. How do you explain that the man you love is killing you and you wouldn’t have it any other way? How do you explain that you are in constant agony and feed on it like it’s your only lifeline?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	6. I Won't.

Sam sits next to his brother’s hospital bed and waits for him to wake up. He’s so tired he can barely keep his eyes open, but he has to. He has to be strong for Dean when Dean can’t be strong himself. These outbursts don’t happen often but they happen enough that anyone in their right mind would have walked away from him years ago. Sam can’t walk away. Dean is his brother. They are all each other has. 

 

“Sam?” Sam turns and faces the door. Dean’s therapist is standing there. She has that look in her eye and it makes Sam want to slap her. Dean isn’t someone you can give up on and she has that look. 

 

“I don’t know how this happened,” He says quietly. He looks back to his brother’s sleeping form and frowns. This isn’t a place he ever wanted to see Dean again. He’d been bad before but it had been a long time since he had actually had to come to a hospital. The last time had not gone as smoothly and Sam had been frantic in looking for his brother for weeks. They had gotten to the doors and Dean took off, leaving everyone scrambling to find him or at the very least, his suicide note.

 

“Sometimes, it just happens. I know that things are going to be tense for a while, but I’m here if you need anything,” She sounds like she means it, but she has that look. The look that the ones before her gave when Dean crashed. They all gave up on him and he hoped and wished that she would work out but she has that look. The “I’m giving up and you should too” look.

 

“Thanks,” Sam doesn’t look at her again. He can’t. He doesn’t want to see her stupid face giving up on his brother. His brother who has done everything for him. His brother who sacrificed his whole life for him. He can’t look at her and he doesn’t care if it’s rude. 

 

“Sam?” She asks again. He doesn’t turn around this time. He just stares at Dean’s face. “I’m not giving up. I know you think I am, but I won’t. Thanks for calling me.”

 

He doesn’t respond. He just focuses on Dean sleeping next to him. She stays with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	7. Reunited

“So you’ve been with Dean for how long again?” Gabriel has been listening to his brother intently for over an hour and nothing really makes sense. He’s been dating a man for years and never once said anything to anyone about it. Of course, Gabriel had known Castiel was gay but he didn’t know that this relationship with Dean was so serious. 

 

“Ten years.”

 

“Ten years, Cassie? Ten years and you didn’t think that it was important to tell me!” He doesn’t want to be angry. Coming out isn’t exactly fun and games these days. But there would have been no judgment. He feels betrayed and untrusted and it hurts. His own brother doesn’t trust him to act like a decent human being.

 

“I wanted to.”

 

“You wanted to? I don’t think you wanted to, Cas. I think you were scared and I get it, I do. But you were going to marry him and you weren’t even going to tell me, your own fucking brother.”

 

“I don’t expect you to understand. I know I should have said something. I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the phone to call you, but after the whole thing with mom and dad- I’m sorry. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to disappoint you too.”

 

Disappoint him? For what? Being human? He was right about one thing their parents were not as supportive as they should have been when they found love letters to Cas from another boy. They made such a big deal about it and basically scared the living shit out of him. It got to the point where he wouldn’t even look at another boy without getting sick or running in the other direction. 

 

“You could never- Cas. I love you. We will be brothers forever. I couldn’t be angry at you for loving another man. Hell, I’ve had my own interesting encounters with men.”  

 

“You have?” Castiel finally looks up at his brother for the first time in nearly half an hour. There are tears in his eyes, but they have long since stopped falling. 

 

Gabriel walks around his desk and kneels in front of Castiel and rests his hands on his brother's knees. 

 

“Why didn’t you trust me?” He asks. Castiel looks away and absently plays with a loose thread on the chair he’s sitting in. 

 

“I wanted to.” 

 

He says he wanted to but Gabriel knows better. There is something else going on here. It’s not just about the proposal from Hell. There is something else happening that Castiel seems to want to hold on to. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	8. Give Him Time.

Ava is at a loss for words. She had been called in the middle of the night because one of her patients was in the hospital. She didn’t expect it to be Dean Winchester. He had been doing so well. He had made progress by leaps and bounds. He was in love and happy and smiling more than she had ever seen him smile.

 

Something must have happened to trigger his downward spiral. Seeing the younger Winchester by his brother’s bedside was a shock. He looked crushed. She could tell as soon as he looked at her that he had convinced himself that she was going to give up. She’s not the type to give up and perhaps when everything is settled she should have Sam come in for a few sessions. He clearly has some unresolved issues and maybe it will help Dean to see Sam open up a bit. 

 

He didn’t tell her a whole lot when he called. He had told her Dean had a broken hand and had mentioned that Castiel, Dean’s boyfriend, had attempted to propose. That must have been what set him off. A commitment was something that they had only just started talking about and Dean didn’t like to touch on that topic at all. There were many things that she knew about Dean but there was so much more that she didn’t. Those were the parts that scared her. What if she wasn’t good enough to get to those parts of him? What if she wasn’t helping him at all?

 

_ Don’t think like that, Ava. You can only help those who want to be helped. Give him time. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	9. Choose.

Sam goes home and crawls into bed next to his wife. He pulls her in close and breathes her in. How could Dean just want to give up so easily? How could he want to disappear into nothingness? 

 

“Sam?” His wife's voice is sleep filled and calm. She turns in his arms and faces him. “Is Dean okay?”

 

“He’s okay,” Sam says and can’t help it when his voice cracks. He knows Dean’s okay in the sense that his lungs work and his heart beats. He’s okay in the sense that he’s alive. He’s alive, but he’s not living. 

 

“Baby, what’s going on?” She asks and clings to his body. She kisses his cheeks and eyes and nose and finally his mouth. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and head and pulls him to her chest. 

 

“I don’t want to lose you,” Sam says and lets out a sob. He’s holding her so tightly she’s going to have bruises in the form of finger marks on her delicate skin. 

 

“You aren’t going to lose me. Why would you say that?” She pulls away from him just enough to look him in the eyes. He doesn’t move or say anything. “Sam?”

 

“I don’t want to choose,” He says. His voice is muffled because his face is smashed up against her collarbone. His lips move sending shivers up and down her spine. She pulls away a little more but his grip on her doesn’t change. 

 

“Choose? What do you mean choose?” Her voice is still calm but there is something in her tone that finally makes Sam look at her. She’s so beautiful. Her dark hair falls over her shoulders and her lips, he could kiss them all day. He can’t lose her. He can’t.

 

“I don’t want to choose between you and Dean. I won’t choose.”

 

“Sam, you aren’t going to have to choose. I love you and he loves you and he’s going to be okay. He just has to want it,” She runs her fingers through his hair to soothe him but she knows it’s not working. He’s too worked up and his body is shaking from trying to keep it together. 

 

“Ruby, please don’t make me choose. Last time- it was the wrong choice. I was wrong.” 

 

Ruby sits up and Sam’s head falls gently into her lap. Her fingers stay tangled in his hair and she lets him talk while he cries himself to sleep.

 

Last time had been worse and she knows that Sam won’t be able to go through that again. She won’t let him go through it again. He didn’t choose Dean before and he still carries that guilt. He carries it every day and it kills her to see her husband in so much pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	10. Tough Love.

Dean keeps his eyes closed as long as he can. He doesn’t want to wake up and have to face anyone. He doesn’t want to have to explain himself to Cas or Sam. He doesn’t want to be stuck in a too bright hospital room with drugs pumping in his veins that make him feel un-human. He doesn’t want to do anything. He just wants to lay in bed and sleep all day. He wants to disappear and never come back. 

 

“I know you’re awake.”

 

Dean cracks one eye open and sees his therapist sitting there. She’s looking at the papers in front of her and doesn’t see him looking at her. She doesn’t look happy and Dean adds her to the list of people he’s let down. He opens his other eye and stares at the ceiling. He feels like he has no control over his body as tears slip out of his eyes and down his face. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says and wipes at his face to get rid of the tears. 

 

“For?” She asks. He didn’t expect that. He didn’t expect her to ask questions. This is usually the part when people get up and walk away and he never sees them again. He doesn’t respond because he doesn't know what to say. 

 

“I’m gonna talk, Dean. And I’d like you to listen.”

 

He doesn’t know if he wants to listen. He knows he should. He can already feel the guilt trickling in. He turns his head and looks at her. She has her clipboard and pen ready. It makes him feel like he’s being spied on. 

 

“I’m not going to ask you what happened, but I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I don’t think you’re a lost cause even though you think you are. I don’t think you’re useless. I think you have had some things happen to you and you aren’t ready to let them go, and that’s okay. I think that you need to let people help you even when you think you can do things yourself, and lastly, I think that if you ever, ever, pull this shit again I will see to it that you are locked up for a long time. Do you understand me, Mr. Winchester?” 

 

Even though her voice isn’t angry Dean knows that she means what she’s saying. He nods and then looks back up at the ceiling. He has to get better. He has to. He has to let things go even if they are painful. He can’t keep doing this and he sure as hell doesn’t want to be locked up again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	11. Tick Tick

****

Castiel wakes up in an unfamiliar place. He opens his eyes and they focus on a huge painting of an African woman covered in ice cream and toppings. He must be at Gabriel’s. His head throbs as he tries to sit up. He’s hungover. He feels around for his phone and unlocks it. He has no messages or missed calls. That means Dean is still okay. He wants to check on him, but he needs time.  

“Do you want to get some breakfast, blue eyes?” He hears from the chair across from him. He sits up and sees a man he doesn’t know sitting there. His stomach drops and he feels like he’s going to puke. Did he cheat on Dean? What happened last night? He stands up and rushes down the hall searching for a bathroom before he ruins his brother's shockingly white carpet. He finds it with seconds to spare and vomits over and over until he feels like his stomach is stuck in his throat and he doesn’t want to move. 

“Cassie?” Gabriel calls out. He taps on the door lightly and then opens it. Cas lifts his head from where it’s resting on the toilet seat and groans. Gabriel hands him a bottle of water. 

“What happened last night?” Cas asks and sits up to grab the water. He opens the bottle and rinses his mouth, spitting the contents into the toilet. 

“You wanted to get drunk, so we went out. You had way too much to drink and Balthazar brought you here. You yelled at me for telling mom and dad about your letters. ”

“Balthazar?” Gabriel must sense the fear in Castiel’s voice because he laughs and sets the pills down on the counter and pushes them towards his brother. 

“He’s one of my interesting encounters.” 

Castiel relaxes and somehow feels much better now that he knows he didn’t do something totally stupid like cheat on Dean. He takes the pills from his brother's outstretched hand and cleans up his mess in the bathroom. 

“I’m going back to sleep,” Cas announces and walks back to the living room. He plops down and presses his face into the back of the couch, falling asleep almost immediately.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	12. Breathe In

Ruby is angry. She’s so angry she’s forcing herself to go to the hospital. She knows he’s sick. She knows that he’s not mentally stable, but he can’t use it as a crutch anymore. She’s done and doesn’t want to see Sam hurting anymore. She doesn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to her husband sobbing and throwing up in the bathroom because he doesn’t want to lose his brother.

 

Dean has to get better in order for everyone else around him to get better. She loves him like a sister should, but she now understands why Cas said he felt like he was constantly choking. Dean brings people down. He hates himself so much that he’s willing to make everyone else hate him too. He’s like a dead rose in the middle of a rose bush trying to force all the other roses to die too. He’s an anchor that keeps you from sailing away from shark infested water. 

 

She parks in the visitor parking at the hospital but takes a moment before getting out of the car. This is going to be hard. This is going to break her heart, but she feels like she doesn’t have another choice. Dean has to want life. He has to want love and happiness and Cas. 

 

The walk to the hospital room is far too quick and she knows she shouldn’t go in without having her thoughts together. Should she even do it? Or should she pretend like things are okay? She needs Sam more than ever and Dean is going to take him away from her. She knocks on the door and then slowly opens it. Dean is lying in his hospital bed reading. He looks up and gives her a small smile.

 

“I need to tell you something,” Ruby says, closing the door behind her. Her tone is much angrier than she wants it to be and can already see Dean closing in on himself. His smile falls and the book slips from his hands and to his lap. Tears are already in his eyes. She knows what he’s going to say before he says it, but I’m sorry isn’t enough anymore. 

 

“Dean, I need you to listen to me. Are you listening?” He nods and the tears that were forming in his eyes fall down his face. “I love you but I can’t do this. Sam can’t do this. You are sucking the life from everyone around you. I can’t keep holding him while he cries at night. It’s killing me. He’s in so much pain and I can't make it stop. I know that you don’t mean it. I know that, but-”

 

“Please. Stop,” Dean says. His voice is small and it’s killing her to do this. She knows that it’s going to get worse before it gets better and that this is going to ruin her life. 

 

“Dean, I’m pregnant,” The tears she was trying too hard to keep from falling are falling freely now and she can’t stop them. “I can’t bring a baby into a world you aren’t part of. I need you to get better, Dean. I need you to see that you are worth it and that if it were down to you and me, Sam would choose you a hundred times over. I can’t ask him to choose. I haven’t told him about the baby yet, but please, Dean. Please try this time. Please. I’m begging you.” 

 

He doesn’t say anything after that. She stands there for a moment watching the emotions play across his face. She can’t stay any longer. She has to get out of there. She’s a few feet from the door when she hears a sob rip through the quiet hall. She shouldn’t have done it. She knows she shouldn’t have done it. She can’t let someone who doesn’t want to be a part of life dictate hers. Even if it means breaking a soul or two.

 

She gets to the car and has a new voicemail from Sam. She doesn’t want to listen to it but she does anyway. 

 

_ Ruby- I...I love you so much. I’m so sorry this is happening. I know this isn’t the life you wanted and I, I’m just- I’m sorry. I love you, baby. Please know that.  _

 

The message ends and she listens to it a few more times before she finally breaks down and lets it all out. Crying isn’t something she does often, but this time it feels different. It feels like she’s mourning and no one’s even died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	13. Gone

Castiel wakes again and feels much better. His head is still pounding, but at least he doesn’t feel like he’s going to puke up a kidney. He sits up and drinks the glass of water sitting on the coffee table in front of him. 

 

“Oh good, you’re up! Your phone has been buzzing an awful lot,” Gabriel walks into the room with a tray of various foods and sets it down in front of Castiel. 

 

“My phone?” He feels around himself and finds it between the cushions. There are several missed calls and text messages. Mostly from Ruby. He scrolls through them quickly but doesn’t really take the time to read any of them fully. They're lengthy and he doesn’t have to capacity to deal with her right now. None of the messages are from Dean or the hospital so he can read them fully later. 

 

“Feeling better?” Gabe asks and sits down next to his brother. There is a kindness in his eyes that Castiel isn’t used to and it makes him feel guilt over not being in contact with his brother for so long.  

 

“Yes, thank you,” Castiel leans forward grabs a few crackers and shoves them in his mouth. 

 

“So, other than your relationship what have you been up to?” Cas looks at his brother and realizes that he doesn’t have an answer. So much of his life is dedicated solely to Dean. He has his job at the bookstore, but that’s hardly something to boast about. He volunteers a few times a month at the food bank and he likes to run, but mostly he’s with Dean. 

 

“I-I’ve never thought about that before,” He says truthfully and he hasn’t. Dean has been the center of his universe for so long he doesn’t really know who he is anymore. What has he done in the last ten years that didn’t have something to do with Dean? Nothing. 

 

“Maybe you should use this time to figure out what you want,” Gabriel says and takes a few items off the tray and eats them. Maybe he should take the time and do something for him. Maybe he should take himself out on a date or read a book. Hell, he could even take a bath alone if he wanted. But what about Dean? What would Dean do if he were gone? Would Dean eat? Would he forget his meds? Would he lay in bed all day? Would he leave his bedroom?

 

“I have to go.”

 

Cas stands up and pockets his phone. He can’t let Dean fend for himself. It wouldn’t work. Dean would end up laying in bed for weeks without eating or taking his meds or he would try to take care of everyone else and push his problems down until he ended up hanging himself in the closet.

 

“Cas?” Gabriel stands as well. He wears a concerned look on his face. Castiel knows that look and he doesn’t want to see it. He knows how crazy it is to care about someone so much that you lose yourself. He knows that Dean’s depression is toxic and it drags him down, but it doesn’t matter. Dean isn’t always depressed Dean. Dean isn’t always unhappy or sad. Sometimes he laughs or sings. Sometimes he dances around the kitchen in his underwear. Sometimes he cooks. Sometimes he wants to have sex more than once in a day. That’s the Dean, Cas has to fight for. That’s the Dean that he loves and can’t let disappear. 

 

“He needs me.”

 

“He needs you or you need him?” It’s a simple question but it stops Cas from walking to the door and leaving. There are so many things that Dean can’t do on his own. He’s forgetful when he’s down. He doesn’t remember to eat or shower. He can’t function unless Cas there to help him and motivate him to keep moving forward. 

 

“I-I…”

 

“Cassie, I know you. It’s been years, but I know you. You can’t fix him if he doesn’t want to be fixed. You can’t take care of him and think that it’s going to make him better. He has to want it.”

 

“You don’t know Dean. You couldn’t possibly know what he wants or what he doesn’t want and you don’t know me. Not anymore.” Castiel makes his way to the door and is about to open it when he hears his brother's voice call out.

 

“Who’s fault is that? You disappeared! For all I knew you, were dead! You come to my office and interrupt my work day and you tell me that you are getting married and you want me to sit here and pretend that this is normal? Castiel, it’s not normal. Can’t you see it? Can’t you see what he’s doing to you?”

 

Gabriel doesn’t know what Dean’s like when he’s good. When he’s flirty and sexy. He doesn’t know what he’s like when he’s happy and content. He doesn’t know Dean at all. But he is right about one thing. He did disappear. He packed up and left in the middle of the night and didn’t say a word to anyone. He moved in with Sam and Dean and that was that. They had been together ever since. He never called his family. He never wrote. He didn’t even let them know that he had moved to another state. 

 

He holds his hand on the knob a few more moments and lets his hand drop. Where would he even go if he left? He can’t go home. He doesn’t want to see Dean. He doesn’t want to see him struggle to find himself again.

 

“He’s not himself anymore,” He says. His tears betray him. Why didn’t he see it before? Why had he not seen that Dean was gone? It had been months since Dean had smiled or laughed. It had been months since they had even kissed. Why did he think that asking Dean to marry him was going to fix things? His heart feels like it’s shattering into a million pieces. His chest hurts. His vision is blurred by tears.

 

Dean’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	14. Small and Needy

“I need Cas. I need to see him. Can you tell him I need to see him?” It’s the first thing Dean’s said since Ruby came to visit, which he doesn’t tell anyone about. Ava is sitting next to him. Her pen stops moving, but she doesn’t say anything. She’s been sitting there for hours and it makes him want to get out of the bed push her out the door and lock it. She just sits there and writes and it pisses him off.  

 

“Please,” he adds. She still doesn’t look up. He watches as she reaches for her phone and sends a text. 

 

“You’re pissing me off,” He says and that seems to get a reaction out of her. She looks up, her eyes just barely clearing her clipboard and then she starts writing again. He groans in frustration. She stops writing to stare at him and once he’s stopped moving she starts writing again.

 

“I hate you.” 

 

“Can I have my phone? I’ll call Cas myself.”

 

“Please, just get Cas.”

 

“Ava, I swear to God. Just get Cas.”

 

“If you don’t get Cas, I’m going to jump out of the fucking window and kill myself! Just fucking get him! GET HIM. GET CAS!” 

 

Dean flails around on his bed kicking and shoving the blankets off of himself. He stands up and knocks over his tray table. The contents scatter across the floor and a cup of water spills getting himself and some of the medical equipment wet. 

 

“Stop ignoring me! Talk to me. Do something besides writing your stupid notes on how crazy I am!”

 

“Do you think you’re crazy?” She asks. 

 

“Sometimes!” He blurts. He doesn't mean to answer, but it’s true. Sometimes he does feel crazy. He feels like his head is going to explode or his mind will stop working. He feels like he has to constantly be doing something in order to be himself. But he can’t. He can’t move. He doesn’t want to leave his bed. He doesn’t want to eat. He doesn’t want to have sex with his boyfriend. He doesn’t want to look at himself in the mirror. 

 

“Why?” Her voice is calm and she’s finally stopped writing long enough to look at him.

 

“I don’t know,” It’s the truth. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know why he wakes up every morning ready to walk off the face of the earth. He doesn’t know why he can’t breathe when he has to get out of bed. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel anything except sadness and despair. 

 

“Well, maybe we should start there. I’ll get the nurse to come pick up the mess from your temper tantrum.” 

 

“No, I can do it my fucking self.” He bends down and starts picking up contents from his table tray. His hand is throbbing. They must have set the bones while he was passed out. He has a lovely blue cast from his hand all the way up to his elbow. At least they didn’t put him in a dumb color like orange. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	15. The Weight

Gabriel watches as his brother falls apart in front of him. He doesn’t really know what to do to make Cas see that his relationship might be in its final stages. He doesn’t move for a moment but then finds himself holding the younger man in his lap while he cries.

“Cassie? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so harsh.”

“You have a right to be harsh. I broke your heart. I’m so sorry, Gabe,” Gabriel pets Castiel’s hair and calms him enough to get him to the table to talk. 

“What happened with mom and dad?” He asks. Castiel looks at him and he looks confused. 

“You don’t know?” The confusion is genuine and it makes Gabriel feel like he’s missing something important. 

“No. I woke up and you were gone and no matter how many times I asked mom and dad what happened they never gave me an answer,” Gabe plays with the handle of his mug. He looks up and watches as Castiel’s shoulders sag. A new wave of sadness washes over his brother. He doesn’t cry but the pain is written across his face in dark thick lines that can never be erased.

“They took me to conversion therapy. They said that I was broken. I went because I didn’t want to disappoint them. I didn’t want to lose you or Anna. They made me think that there was something wrong with me and I gave in. I went.”

“Cas-”

“That’s where I met Dean.”

Gabriel feels sick. He doesn’t want to know anymore. He’s heard about places like those. He’s heard the awful stories about electroshock therapy and the abuse. He doesn’t want to think about his brother in a place like that. He doesn’t want to think about his parents dropping him off and going to have ice-cream while their son was being tortured. 

“I had no idea, Cassie. Why didn’t you say something?”

“I only went a few times until I couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t take it and Dean and his brother kinda took me in and we just left. Dean used to be different. He’s not this...what’s happening right now isn’t normal. This isn’t Dean. I know what it looks like. I know that it looks like I’m trying to fix him, but I know that I can’t. I know that nothing I do or say can make him better. He has to want to get better on his own. But I can’t just let him go. I can’t stop loving him or wanting to be there for him when he gets like this. He’s come so far, Gabe and if I leave him now, I’ll never see him again.”

Gabriel takes his brother’s hand and holds it for a long time. He doesn’t want to let it go ever again. He knows there is more to this story, but he doesn’t know if he can listen right now. Right now, he wants to go to his mother's house and burn it down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	16. Lost In The Light

“You get to go home tomorrow.”

 

Dean looks up at Ava and sighs. He’s not sure that he’s ready. He knows that Cas won’t be there. They hadn’t talked in three days and Cas hadn’t visited, called, or even sent a text. He looks down at his lap and closes his eyes. He feels like there is so much riding on his shoulders. There is so much to get better for and he can’t seem to find the motivation. Even with the promise of a niece or nephew or marriage to his best friend. 

 

“Cas hates me,” He says and looks at Ava. She sits on the edge of his bed and grabs his non-broken hand. 

 

“He doesn’t hate you,” she says. Dean looks at her hand in his and wishes that it was Cas. 

 

“He hasn’t even called.”

“Maybe not, but I know that he loves you. That counts for everything in my book. Give him time, Dean. Also, I hope that you’re ready to see me every day for the next 3 weeks,” She laughs and lets his hand go.

“I’m not. But I don’t have a choice, right?”

“Right.”

_______________________

Dean stands in the doorway of his home for a long time while Sam waits behind him. It feels wrong to be coming home to an empty house. There are no signs of Cas anywhere and it makes Dean’s chest feel like It’s going to implode. 

 

“I’m gonna stay here for a few days while you settle in,” Sam is still behind him holding Dean’s bag of dirty clothes and medications from the hospital. He doesn’t say anything else and the two men enter the house. The house is quiet and feels cold and empty. Everything is where it was left three days ago. Once the door is closed Dean feels like he’s in prison. 

 

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Dean says and starts walking upstairs. He gets halfway up the stairs when he decides he’s going to sleep in the guest room. He can’t sleep alone in the bed meant for him and Cas to share. He informs Sam of his decision, but his brother doesn’t say anything. He just nods his head and continues to clean up the kitchen.

 

Dean doesn’t sleep. He just lays in the guest room and listens to Sam’s movements throughout the house. He can hear his brother take all the medications out of the bathroom. He hears him take all the knives and move them. He knows that the household cleaners have been locked up or put away where he can’t find him in case this doesn’t work out. He’s not allowed to be alone for the next two weeks and Sam had volunteered to start him off. 

 

The only reason he was allowed to go home was that Ava trusted him. He knows that this is when he has to prove to everyone that he can do this. He has to show them that he can get better and let the past go no matter how much it’s ruined him. He has to show them that he can be normal, whatever that means. 

 

Dean finally starts to fall asleep while he listens to Sam talk on the phone. He assumes he’s talking to Ruby because his tone is soft and his words are quiet. He doesn’t know what they are talking about but he knows that Sam still doesn’t know about the baby. He would have said something by now. He thinks about how happy and excited Sam is going to be when he finds out. He’s going to be over the moon. He’ll be whole again. Sam had always been a family man. Not Dean. Dean’s okay with just him and Cas.The thought of Cas makes tears sting in his eyes. He still hasn’t called. 

 

Dean picks up the notebook by his bed and opens to the first page. Ava suggested a journal. She told him she could read it or not but that it was up to him. He should write what he feels no matter how dark it is. He picks up the pen on the side table and scoots up so the notebook is laying on the bed in front of him. He stares at the blank page for a while before a thought comes to mind.

 

_ I’m ashamed of you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	17. Broken Down Walls

Cas has been staying with his brother for 9 days, but he’s running out of clothes and truth be told, he misses Dean. Ava told him that he can come and get some things but that he can’t stay. He can talk to Dean, but he can’t touch him. He can’t even kiss him. They are allowed to talk and then he has to leave and go back to Gabe’s. 

He walks up the driveway and pulls out his keys and slides them in the lock. The door unlocks and he opens it. He knows he shouldn’t be nervous about this, but he is. He doesn’t know what Dean’s going to look like. He doesn’t know how he’s going to react to seeing Cas for the first time in two weeks. It has taken him 6 days just to text him and they had talked briefly once but it was awkward and strained.

“Cas?” Dean’s standing at the top of the stairs looking down at Cas. He’s smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Hello Dean,” Cas replies and turns around to close the door. He takes in the sight of the entryway and notices that everything is clean. There are no weird smells or clothes lying everywhere. In fact, he can smell something cooking in the kitchen.

He takes a few steps down the stairs and Cas looks up at him again. He looks okay. He doesn’t look like he’s missed any meals or forgotten to shower or take his pills. He looks like he might be taking care of himself and he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“Ava said you were going to stop by for some clothes. I got a bag together for you, but you are more than welcome to go upstairs and get whatever you want,” Dean’s words are kind but they are careful. Like he doesn’t want to say something that he can’t take back. Dean sets the bag down at the bottom of the stairs and heads to the kitchen. Cas watches as he goes. He doesn’t know what to say. He looks at the bag for a moment before walking over to it and unzipping to see what Dean had packed for him.

Castiel sits on the stairs and pulls things out one at a time. His favorite hoodie is right on the top and tears sting in his eyes. He digs deeper and pulls out his favorite pair of jeans, a few t-shirts, underwear socks, and even a few things for work. He starts to put things back in when he notices there is something in the side pocket. He unzips it and pulls out the framed photo from their bedroom. He stares at his own smiling face and then Dean’s. He can’t stop the tears from falling now. 

The photo had been taken a few years ago at the fair. It was one of the best days he and Dean had ever had, and luckily Sam had snapped a photo. Dean had been so happy. He acted like he didn’t have a care in the world, ate too many corn dogs, and puked all over Cas on the Ferris wheel because he was terrified of heights. Cas smiles at the memory and looks up to see Dean standing there watching him.

“I thought you might want that. I don’t want you to forget what I look like,” Dean says. Castiel knows that he doesn’t mean it how it comes out like Dean will be gone someday and Cas will have to live without him. His chest constricts.

“I could never forget what you look like,” Castiel says and puts the photo back in the bag along with the clothes. “Thank you.”

“I have a lot of free time,” Dean laughs. It’s not a real laugh. Cas ignores the pain behind it.

They stare at each other until the timer in the kitchen goes off. Dean turns and leaves Cas sitting on the stairs. Seeing Dean should be making him happy. He should want to hug him and kiss him all over but all he feels is fear and uncertainty. What if this is one of the last times that he sees Dean and he’s not even allowed to touch him? What if Dean decides that Cas is better off without him and disappears?

Cas stands and heads to the kitchen. He watches as Dean stirs something on the stove. He notices that there is only one knife in the knife block and that some of the other kitchen items are missing. Ava had said that Sam had been staying with Dean since he left the hospital. Cas feels guilty that it’s not him here taking care of Dean. It should be him, but he can’t. He can’t help him this time. He has to want it.

“I know that I’m sorry doesn’t mean anything, but I am,” The words fill Cas’s ears and he realizes that he feels nothing. It’s not that he doesn’t love Dean because he does. More than anything. It’s that he’s heard all this before and he can’t believe it because if he does he’ll just be let down again.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	18. Believe

“Cas came by,” Dean says to Sam. His brother's eyes widen but he doesn’t say anything. It’s two days later and they are having dinner. Dean puts his fork down, “It wasn’t awful, but he didn’t have much to say.” 

 

“Was there something you wanted him to say?” Sam asks. He still hasn’t mentioned the baby and now he’s not sure if Sam doesn’t know or doesn’t want to bring it up.

 

“I don’t know. I think he doesn’t believe me.”

 

Sam doesn’t say anything else about Cas and Dean knows it’s because he’s right. He hasn’t given anyone a reason to believe him when he says that this time is going to be different. He hasn’t proven to anyone that he can do this and it kills him. 

 

After dinner, they clean up and start to watch a movie but Dean can’t focus. He has too much on his mind. Twenty minutes in he tells Sam, he’s going to bed. He strips down to his boxers and gets into the guest bed. He picks up his notebook and writes.

 

_ I’m not okay. I’m still ashamed. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I love him. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	19. Cracked Porcelain

Sam spends his mornings and nights with his brother but spends his afternoons with his wife. He walks into their apartment and he can hear her talking on the phone. He walks in and stands in the doorway watching her. Her back is to him.

“No, I haven’t told him yet. I don’t think now is the best time,” she says. Sam takes a quiet step back around the corner out of sight. What hasn’t she told him? He hears her laugh and tell whoever she’s talking to goodbye. He waits a few moments before walking into the kitchen to say hello.

“Hey, babe.” He says. She turns around quickly. “You okay?”

“You scared me.” She says. She takes a few steps and gives him a quick kiss before walking back to the counter. She leans a hip on it and crosses her arms across her chest.  

“Who were you talking to?”

“Meg. She might come up for a few days,” The conversation is too casual. He knows that she’s hiding something. She turns back around and busies herself with a few dishes in the sink. They had sworn that they wouldn’t keep anything from each other. Lies had ruined his mother and father’s marriage. He didn’t want to end up like them.

“There’s something you haven’t told me?” He asks. She stills her motions but doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t think she’s going to answer but then she takes a deep breath and grips the lip of the counter. Soap and water drip off her fingers, and land on the floor.

“I fucked up.”

“Okay. What did you do?” He doesn’t want to think about what she might have done. The first thing that comes to mind is that she filed for divorce. He wouldn’t blame her if that’s what’s going on. He’s thought about it a few times himself just to save her from the heartache of everything.

“I went to see Dean while he was in the hospital and I told him something that wasn’t true. I lied to him to help him and if I were to tell him the truth now it would ruin him,” She turns around and faces Sam. There are already tears in her eyes and a few are running down her cheeks.

“What did you tell him?”

Her eyes are pleading with him. She doesn’t want to tell him. He doesn’t want to be angry because he would have done anything to make Dean better too, but lying? She doesn’t speak for a long time. She just cries and usually, Sam would be there to comfort her to make her feel better but he can’t. His brother's life hangs in the balance.

“What did you tell him?” He asks again. His tone is harsh and Ruby takes a step back.

“Sam, please just let me fix it.” Pleading again. This time with words.

“What did you tell him, Ruby?” He asks more forcefully. His voice is louder now and she looks defeated.

“I told him I was pregnant.”

“You what?”

“I-I just wanted to give him a reason to live. Clearly, you aren’t enough, Sam! I had to tell him something. I had to give him hope for something.”

Sam doesn’t know what to say. Pregnant? She can’t even get pregnant and Dean knows that. He knows because Sam told him a year ago because they had been trying for years to have a baby and the doctors told her that it was impossible. It had broken Sam’s, heart. It had killed him and Dean had been there to pick up the pieces and carry the weight of the news.  

It was Dean who had to get Sam to go back home and face his wife because love was love and they could adopt. It was Dean who told him that it didn’t matter and that he still had his beautiful wife and a wonderful life to live. It was Dean who helped him out of the depression and sadness at not being about to be a father.

“False hope isn’t the answer, Ruby.”

“I wasn’t thinking. I just- I’m so sorry, Sam.”

“You were right about one thing. This will ruin him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	20. Surface

“He looked good.”

 

“Yeah?” Gabe asks. He hadn’t seen Castiel for a few days because of work and wanted to catch up. The younger man looked okay, but there was something behind his eyes that made Gabriel feel uneasy. 

 

“He packed my bag for me. He was cooking. It was- I don’t know. Weird?”

 

“It seems like he wants to make some kind of progress. Maybe he’s ready?”

 

“No, I don’t think so. I mean, I know that he wants to get better, but he doesn’t want to do it for himself. He wants to do it for me, but mostly for Sam.”

 

“You miss him?” Castiel looks up at and nods. Gabriel pulls his brother into an easy and comforting hug.  It’s obvious he misses him. It’s so obvious, Gabriel misses the guy and he doesn’t even know him. He can feel it every time Cas walks into the room. The absence of Dean is suffocating and he hasn’t even met the man. 

 

“I feel like my head is going to burst when I think about him. God, and being there, in our house and not being able to touch him. I wanted to touch him.” 

 

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I can’t even begin to understand any of it.” He really can’t. He had never this attached to someone. There was a woman a few years ago that he thought maybe could have been the one but their relationship was so toxic Gabriel had started drinking so much he nearly died. 

 

“That’s the worst part, I think. Dean is my person and now I feel like I have no one.”

 

Gabriel tightens the hug for a moment and then let's go. Gabe escapes to the kitchen to start some water for tea and pulls something out for dinner. He watches Cas as he sits on the couch. He can see him thinking a million miles a minute and he wishes there was some way he could just shut Cas down. His brain is like a computer that never stops. 

 

Gabriel busies himself in the kitchen but is interrupted by Castiel on the phone. He’s listening intently to whoever is talking and there is a look of concern on his face. He tries not to listen, but it sounds serious and now Gabriel is concerned. He turns around when he hears his name. 

 

“Huh?” He asks.

 

“It’s Sam, Dean’s younger brother. He wants to talk. Is it okay if he comes by for dinner?” Gabriel smiles and nods. He might as well get to know this Sam. Besides, maybe it will give him a little more insight into Dean and Cas’s relationship.

Gabriel doesn’t expect the giant of a man who shows up at his door. If Dean looks anything like this guy then Cas is really screwed. He barely remembers how to be a good host when he opens the door. 

 

“Is Castiel here?” Sam asks. It takes Gabe a few moments to get his thoughts together before nodding and moving aside to let the man inside. 

 

“Sam, it’s so good to see you. How are you?” Cas says and hugs the taller man. Gabriel goes to the kitchen to busy himself with dinner. The two men join him as they talk at the counter. 

 

“Cas, have you talked to Ruby at all?” Sam asks. Gabe doesn’t miss the sadness in his voice, but he tries not to pay too much attention. 

 

“She texted me a while ago, but I haven’t read her messages,” Cas pulls his phone out and shows Sam the messages. Sam quickly reads them over.

 

“You might want to read these,” Sam says. Castiel takes the phone back and reads the messages. Gabriel watches his brother's face get darker and darker as he reads.  

 

“Why in the world would she do this, Sam?” Gabriel busies himself with dinner again, but this time he doesn’t even try to pretend that he’s not listening.

 

“She thought she was helping. I can’t tell him. To be honest, I don’t know if I can forgive her for this.”

 

“I’m sorry, but what are you two talking about?” Gabriel is now leaning over the counter and has injected himself into their conversation. 

 

“Ruby is Sam’s wife,” Castiel says. Gabe can’t help but deflate a little at the news that the giant man in his kitchen is taken.

“Okay, and what has she done?” 

 

Sam looks at Cas and Cas looks back at Sam. Clearly, it was something that just can’t be explained in a few moments. It was a conversation that was going to take the time to explain. Sam sighs and his head falls into his hands on the counter. Gabe grabs a bottle of wine and three glasses and sets them on the counter. 

 

“Well, let's start drinking and you two can explain what’s going on,” He suggests and laughs. Sam looks up and smiles. It’s not a happy smile, but Gabe keeps it.

 

“We’re going to need something a little stronger than that,” Sam says and Gabe swears he falls in love right there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	21. Quick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: marijuana use, masturbation

Charlie hovers and Dean doesn’t like it. He knows she feels partially responsible for what happened so, she hovers. 

 

“Charlie, I’m just cooking. Please go do something else,” He turns around and looks at her. He hopes that his face isn’t betraying him. He doesn’t actually want her to go, but he knows that she’s bored out of her mind watching him saw through carrots with a butter knife. 

 

“I’m fine here, I like watching you cook,” She says and smiles. He knows she’s lying. She hates watching him cook. She would much rather be helping him cook, but that’s against the rules. No one is allowed to help him unless it’s an emergency. Ava wants him to do everything for himself. He turns back around and lets her hover. It’s quiet for a long time until Dean hears Charlie digging through her purse.

 

“Did you lose something?”

 

“Nah, just looking for my brownies.”

 

“I’m cooking you food right now! You don’t need brownies.”

 

“They aren’t for me. They’re for you.”

 

“Charlie, I’m trying to keep myself healthy. Thank you, but no.”

 

“Eat a brownie, Dean. Before you go to bed. Trust me.”

 

She pulls one of the dark chocolate squares from a little plastic baggie and he realizes they aren’t just any brownies. They’re pot brownies.

 

“Charlie!”

 

“Oh, Dean. I got it cleared with the doc. Calm down. They are just to help you sleep. Sam told her you haven’t been sleeping well, so I made a suggestion,” She shrugs at the admission and Dean goes back to his carrots. The thought of being high excites him. He’s not supposed to get help. He used to smoke weed a lot but quit when Cas started staying over. He hadn’t ever had an edible. 

 

Dinner goes well and Dean heads to the guest bedroom after cleaning up the dishes from dinner. He strips down to his boxers and sits down on the side of the bed. The brownie it staring at him on the side table. He wants to eat it, but he also wants to just throw it away. He picks it up and smells it. It has a little bit of a weed smell, but mostly it just smells like a brownie. He picks off a small crumb and places it on his tongue. It doesn’t taste bad. He rips it in down the middle and eats half. He wraps the other half in the plastic and puts it in the drawer next to the bed. He gets under the covers and waits. He gets on google and looks to see how long it’s going to before he feels something, but there isn’t a single website that’s helpful. They all say something different. It just says to wait and see and that it can take anywhere from forty-five minutes to three hours to start working. 

 

It’s well after four hours when his back starts heating up. It starts low and he feels like he’s melting into the bed. The heat creeps up his body and makes him feel like he’s floating on a cloud. He closes his eyes and lets it take over his body. He’s so relaxed and calm he nearly falls asleep, but something doesn’t feel right. This bed isn’t right. It doesn’t feel as good as his own bed would feel. He gets up and stumbles to grab his notebook and heads upstairs. He laughs every time he trips or makes too much noise. He stands outside the door for a moment before opening it and stepping inside. It looks exactly the same as he had left it. 

 

He takes a deep breath in and takes a few steps forward. Everything in the room makes him think of Cas. He almost leaves, but the high has him walking towards the soft flannel sheets and down comforter. He gets up on the bed and laughs cause he and Cas had fought over how tall the bed should be. Cas won wanting the bed to be much taller than your average bed. Dean can’t complain about the bed height anymore. Cas makes it perfectly clear why he wanted a taller bed the night they set it up. 

 

Dean leans back and lets his body adjust to the new surroundings. He can’t help but smile at the ceiling. He grabs Cas’ pillow and holds it to his nose. It still smells like him. Dean is slightly embarrassed to feel his dick move at the smell. He sits up a little and looks down. He can just make out the starting of an erection. 

 

“This is new,” He says out loud. He slaps a hand over his mouth and listens to see if Charlie will check on him. She doesn’t. He’s glad she knows when not to hover. Dean leans back and lifts his hips up to pull his boxers off. He had never slept with them on before he and Cas’ fight. He lays back and then rolls over shoving his face into Cas’s pillow. God, he missed him. Dean’s hips start moving before his brain can catch up. Everything feels a million times better. The heat from the high has taken over his whole body and he feels like there are tiny fingers massaging his body. He lets out a small moan and then mentally reminds himself that Charlie is just down the hall. 

 

He takes another breath in and smells Cas’ scent. He rolls back over onto his back and runs his hand down his body until he reaches his dick. It throbs in his hand and he almost thinks he’s going to come right then. Thoughts of Cas run through his mind like a movie. His hands start moving and he knows he’s going to come soon. Everything feels so good. He feels so relaxed and calm and he’s so in love with Cas. He comes faster than he thought was possible and buries his head in the pillows while the weed holds him at an all-time high. He uncovers his face and looks up at the ceiling again. 

 

“Fuck,” he says and closes his eyes. Cas would have died if he had ever seen Dean get off that quickly. Cas always had always been the one to finish first. He would have loved it and encouraged Dean to take things nice and slow. Dean’s eyes snap open. He’s not sure why exactly but he reaches over and grabs his pen and notebook. He knows that he's not sober, but he feels like he’s thinking clearly. 

 

_ Getting high was a good decision, except you came really fast. You are totally in love with Cas. Don’t forget. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	22. Forward

Castiel hated Ana’s office. It made him feel like he was in trouble. He realizes it’s because of his childhood, but he doesn’t want to admit that to her. He hates it when she would ask him to sit in on Dean’s appointments. He hated having to listen to Dean talk about all the pain he was going through. It killed him. Yet, here he was again. He doesn’t know what Dean is going to talk about, but he’s not ready. 

 

He sits in the chair he usually sits in. Dean always likes to talk to Ana first to get his thoughts in order. Cas looks around the office and notices a few new photos. A man about his age is smiling from a frame on the desk. He hadn’t ever noticed him before. There are children’s drawings on a corkboard behind her desk on the wall. He’s scanning through her books when the door opens and Dean and Ana walk in.

 

“I’m so glad you could make it,” Ana says and gives his shoulder a squeeze. He smiles and sits next to Dean. He doesn’t know if they are allowed to touch or not but he reaches out and takes Dean’s hand anyway. Dean looks at him and smiles. It’s a real smile and Cas’s heart feels like it’s going to explode. He hasn’t seen Dean really smile in a long time. 

 

“So, we brought you in today to talk about long term goals. Dean has been very open with his thoughts and we want to know where you stand before we continue on with treatment.”

 

“What do you mean long term goals?” Castiel asks. He panics a little because he doesn’t want to give up Dean. He won’t give up Dean.

“Well, you had expressed that you were ready to make a commitment to Dean. Is that something you’re still thinking about?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You are?” Dean asks. He sounds shocked. Cas looks at him and studies his face for a few moments. 

 

“Why wouldn’t I be? I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m mad at you and I’m hurt by you, but you’re so important to me, Dean.”

 

“I just thought-I don’t know. I thought maybe you’d want to change your mind.”

 

“I’m not going to change my mind.”

 

Ana looks between the two of them and writes down a few notes. Dean watches her write and his whole demeanor changes. Castiel notices and drops Dean’s hand. 

 

‘What just happened there?” Ana asks. Her pen is ready to move and Dean’s panic sets in. He doesn’t want people to talk about him and Cas. He doesn’t want people to know how much he loves him. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s in love with a man. At least not out loud. His mind goes blank and he can’t focus. All he can see is darkness. The air feels damp and cold. He can feel the metal table behind his back and there are hands touching him. 

 

“Enough!” Dean shouts. Castiel gives Ana a look, but she doesn’t move. Castiel stands up and stands behind Dean. He kneels down behind the chair and wraps his arms around Dean and the chair and whispers in his ear. Ana can’t hear what he’s saying but it seems to calm Dean down immediately. 

 

“Better?” Cas asks. Dean takes a few breaths and then turns to hug Cas. 

 

“I miss you.”

 

“Dean, can you tell me what made you go back?” Ana asks. Dean looks over at her pen and paper and then at her.

 

“They used to write down everything and give it to my dad. They would take notes on what hurt me most or seemed to make me more straight.” Ana immediately puts the pen and paper away and pulls out a tablet. 

 

“Why didn’t you ever say anything? You can tell me things here, Dean. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”

 

“It’s embarrassing that I get anxiety over a damn pen and paper.”

 

“All pens and paper?” Castiel asks. Castiel makes a mental note to get rid of all paper and pens and pencils in their house when he gets home. He doesn’t care if he has to use smoke signals from now on.   

 

“No. It’s not all the time. It’s just when,” Dean glances at Cas, ”Cas is around.”

 

“Why do you think that is?”

 

“I don’t want my dad to find out anything. I feel like you’re writing about us and you’re going to tell my father. I know that’s irrational. He’s not even alive. He’s dead and I’m still scared that he’s going to find out about me. I’m so worried that he can see me and he’s going to be disappointed that I’m in a relationship with a man.”

 

Castiel’s tears sting in his eyes. Dean has never been this open. He talked about his past, sure, but never his fears of his father. At least, not like this. Castiel goes back to his seat and watches as Dean and Ana talk. It’s the first time in a long time that he’s seeing Dean the way he was, maybe even better than that. He laughs and smiles and he looks at Cas like he used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	23. Chapter 23

“Did you have the brownie?” Again, Charlie is staying over.

 

“Yes, thank you,” Dean says. He looks at the cards in his hand and tries to decide which he should put down. It's nearly time for dinner and he's playing solitaire while he waits for the oven.

 

“No problem. Need another?”

 

“Nah, I have half left. Thanks.”

 

“How did therapy go?”

 

Dean looks at her and thinks about it for a moment. It had gone well. Better than in the past. He almost feels guilty for never being as open as she should have been. He could have been better months ago, maybe even years ago. 

 

“Good,” He says and smiles. He was even allowed to give Castiel a goodbye kiss and it felt like the first time. Charlie smiles at him and picks at the salad in front of her. 

 

“Dean, I just- I know that it’s not my fault...I know-”

 

“Charlie, it’s okay. It was an honest mistake.”

 

“Just let me finish!” She shouts. Dean jumps back from the counter and stares at his friend. Her face is red and there are tears in her eyes. He sets his cards down.

“I want you to be happy, Dean. I want you to have love and be loved. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t take the time to get to know you better. You’re truly the best friend I’ve ever had and I never want to lose you. Ever. I need you to stay around. You aren’t the only one who has stuff. We all do, and you help heal me. So, don’t you fucking dare try to go back. Don’t you ever go back.” She’s in his arms now and she’s crying so hard she’s shaking. A few tears slip from his eyes. He loves her too. She had been one of the only people he had ever let in. They had found each other when they were young. He was lucky to have Charlie in his life. 

 

“Charlie, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” He hugs her tightly until she calms down enough to realize that there are snot and tears smeared on his t-shirt. She smiles at him and hugs him again before running off to her room to clean up before they eat. He pulls his shirt up over his head and walks it to the laundry room. He grabs a clean shirt from the dryer and puts it on before going back to dinner. 

 

He passes the mirror in the hallway and catches his reflection. He looks different. His cast stands out, but it’s also a reminder of what not to do again. His eyes sparkle a little more than usual. He smiles at himself and goes back to preparing their food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who might be concerned about Sam drinking and driving, he is not drunk and is okay to drive. He had a beer and one shot in the course of an hour and a half.

“I hate to even suggest this, but maybe tell him she lost the baby,” Gabriel looks between the two men to see if his input is being well received.

 

“I can’t lie to him,” Sam says and looks at Castiel. Cas knows about the promise Sam had made with Dean. No lies no matter what. 

 

“I’ll tell him,” Cas suggests. Gabriel wants to protest, but it seems like maybe Cas is the most logical choice for this kind of news. He thinks they might be done with the conversation, but then Sam looks at Castiel. It’s a look that Gabe knows well. It’s the look of someone who’s about to do something incredibly stupid.

 

“You can’t!” Gabe gasps.

 

“I have to,” Sam takes the last shot in front of himself and gets up to leave. Cas gets up and tries to stop him, Dean has been doing so well. He’s been happy and Cas can’t see him go back.

 

“Please,” Cas begs. 

 

“I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry, but I can’t let this be the reason. He has to want it for himself. Besides, I’ll be there full time now. I’m leaving Ruby,” Sam gives Cas a quick hug and then leaves. Cas decides getting drunk doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	25. Chapter 25

Dean has a restless night. Every time he closes his eyes he’s taken back to when he was younger. Phantom pain sears in his back and he has to roll over again. He’s back in the guest room. He doesn’t trust himself upstairs anymore. There’s too much Cas up there. Too much of thinking about what he might lose if he can’t make himself better. He pulls out his journal and writes more than a few sentences for the first time. 

 

_ I have been trying so hard to just be in the moment but I can’t do it. I can’t stop thinking about what happened to me. I know that I will never have to go there again, but I can’t seem to make myself believe it. Everytime we kiss or make love I feel pain. I feel whips, crushed bones, and white-hot electricity. I feel all those things they did to me to make me normal. What the fuck does normal even mean? What’s so wrong with liking men? I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not doing anything illegal or wrong. I just want to love Cas and marry him. I want to have kids with him and grow old, but I feel like I can’t. I am so ashamed of him. I shouldn’t be. I love him. How can I love him and be ashamed of him? Why am I so fucked up? I don’t want to be like this. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	26. Winchesters

Sam’s been pacing. Dean can hear it in the guest room at night. It’s been three days of pacing back and forth until all hours of the night. Dean can’t sleep knowing that Sam is going through something. Sam doesn’t pace unless it’s really bad. Dean sits up and listens to see if Sam is on the phone. He pulls the sheets off of himself and gets out of bed. His hands are shaking as he reaches for the door handle. He opens the door just enough to get a better listen. He gets all the way to the kitchen when he realizes that it’s not just Sam up there. He can hear a woman. Charlie maybe? No, Charlie was out of town, that’s why Sam was here. Dean starts walking up the stairs to get a better listen. 

 

“You fucking lied, Ruby. You lied to him. You are going to be the one to tell him the truth.”

 

“Sam, please. We’ll think of something.”

 

“No, we won’t! I can’t even look at you. Just leave.” Sam’s voice sounds broken. Dean realizes too late that he won’t be able to be unseen when the door opens. He stands there stunned in place when he sees the look of horror on Ruby’s face. 

 

“Dean!” She gasps. Sam stands behind Ruby with the same stunned look on his face. 

 

“What the hell is going on?” Dean asks. They both clearly know something he doesn’t. He looks them both over. She looks upset. Sam looks angry. What could they be so upset about? Nothing had been going on. Nothing new. Baby. “The baby. Is it something with the baby?”

 

Sam looks like he’s going to explode and Ruby looks like someone just killed the family dog. Sam grabs Ruby by the arm and pulls she down the stairs to the kitchen and Dean follows. 

 

“Tell him, Ruby.” Dean gets a good look at her and she looks terrified. There are tears falling down her face at an alarming rate. Sam looks like some kind of beast. His breathing is erratic and he looks crazy. Dean steps over to Sam and removes his hands from his wife. 

 

“What the hell are you doing, Sam? You’re going to hurt her.”

 

“I don’t care if I hurt her! She hurt you!”

 

“What?” Dean asks. He takes a step between Sam and her then he turns to Ruby who’s openly sobbing on the floor. 

 

“I’m so sorry. I lied to you.”

 

“Lied to me about what?”

 

“The b-baby. There’s no baby. I just wanted to give you some hope. I wanted to give you something good, Dean.” Dean feels like the room is closing in on him. No baby. There was no baby. There was nothing in the world Sam wanted more than a baby. It killed him when he found out he couldn’t have kids. He didn’t eat or sleep for days. He had to convince him to go home. No baby. 

 

“Get out,” Dean says. He keeps his voice as free of emotion as he can. 

 

“Please- dean, I’m sorry-”

 

“GET OUT!” Dean shouts. Sam and Ruby both jump and the amount of volume that comes from Dean. Ruby scrambles to get up and get out of the house. Dean sits on a stool at the counter and covers his face with his hands. He doesn’t want to look at Sam, but he forces himself to.

 

“Sammy?” Sam crumbles to the floor and loses it. The first time Dean had seen his brother cry like this was after their mother had died. Dean immediately gets on the floor and holds his brothers shaking body in his arms and squeezes him tightly. They don’t talk they just cry together. They cry for unborn babies, the pain of the past, loss of family, and anything else that had caused them suffering in their lives. 

 

|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|

 

The next morning Sam walks into the kitchen and sees a full breakfast waiting for him. Dean always did go above and beyond when it came to feeding people.

 

“Dean, you didn’t have to do this,” Sam says. Dean looks up from the book he’s reading and shrugs. 

 

“I wanted to,” He replies simply. “Also, after an emotional episode like last night, it’s better to eat and make sure you have some fluids.”

 

Sam stares at his brother for a moment too long and Dean notices. Maybe things are changing. Maybe he is getting better. Maybe they can get through this.

 

“What? I listen sometimes,” He laughs and starts putting food on plates and shoving them at Sam. He sits and eats while he watches his brother dance and sing around the kitchen while cleaning up. They’ll make it. They have to. They’re Winchesters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	27. Chapter 27

“This is one of your last sessions for a couple weeks, how do you feel about that?” Ava asks. She’s using a video camera to capture the session and she’ll take notes later. He’s far from recovered, but he’s come a long way in the past few months. Dean still finds it hard to be honest, not so much with Cas, but with himself and maybe Sam. He struggles to keep himself together, but he knows that in order to be a good husband and brother he has to start taking care of himself. He will do anything to be the man he was meant to be...even if that means opening up wounds that have scabbed over. 

 

“I feel good. Maybe a little nervous. You’ve been so helpful through everything.” He says. She can tell that he means it. 

 

“And how do you feel about meeting Gabriel today?”

 

“Nervous. Worried. Scared. Cas told me he’s been staying with him, but I worry about Cas. I worry about what he had to go through as well as what I had to go through.”

 

“I think that’s something that Cas and Gabriel are going to have work on.” Ava offers. Dean nods in agreement as Ava stands and walks to the door to let everyone know they can join the session. This is the second to last session with Ava until he starts his weekly visits and then monthly. They decided after a full year they will revisit to see if any changes need to be made. Sam, Cas, and Gabriel all enter the room. No one really says much in the beginning until Ava is done setting up the camera. 

 

“Gentlemen, I usually don’t allow this many patients in a session this soon, but Dean has been working really hard to get to this point and I truly think he’s ready for this part of the program. You will be able to ask Dean any questions you wish and he will answer honestly. He has been working on being more open about his feelings and more aware of what’s been going on around him. Gabriel, you’re new, so we’ll start with you. Is there anything you’d like to ask Dean?”

 

Dean is facing the three other men. Gabriel looks nothing like Cas. Gabriel has light colored hair and light brown eyes. They are so light they look like honey. He’s also much shorter than Cas. He’s looking down at his hands when his question finally comes out, ”Do you love him?”

 

“Yes. Very much.” Dean looks over at Cas and smiles. He looks back to Gabriel who is now looking up at Dean. 

 

“Are you ashamed of him?” Dean has to remind himself to keep breathing. He wasn’t expecting that question by someone he barely knew. Dean looks at Cas and stares for a few moments. The most beautiful man in the world wanted to marry him. He wanted to be with him and love him. He wanted a family and a life with him.

 

“I used to be,” Dean replies. There are tears in his eyes now. He had never talked to Cas about this part of himself. The part that he hated. 

 

“Not anymore?”

 

“No, not anymore.”

 

They sit in silence for a few minutes before they move on. Sam doesn’t ask anything and Dean thinks he knows why. Cas only has one question and it makes Dean so happy he doesn’t know how to react so he bursts into tears. 

 

“Can I please come home?”

 

“Yes.” It’s tearful but it’s true and it’s real. He loves Castiel and there wasn’t a thing in the world that could ever change that. Cas’s first night home he writes the longest entry that he’s ever written. He stares at Cas sleeping next to him for a long time before he starts writing. 

 

_ The parts about me that I hate are just shadows. A reminder of how it used to be. My past isn’t my reality anymore. The wounds on my body have healed. The wounds in my mind will take a little more time, but I’m working on it.  _

 

_ Castiel is everything I ever wanted in a partner. He is everything I need. I love him and I am not ashamed to love him. I am proud of him. I am proud to kiss him and hold his hand. I am proud to love him. I think the thing that makes me love him most of all, is that he loves me. He doesn’t care that I have issues. He loves me as I am, pain and all. And he supports me, he supports me and it feels good to rely on someone again.  _

 

_ I’ve felt for so long that I’ve been a lone soldier in the war of my life. I didn’t see that I had so many more people fighting for me and with me. I didn’t want them to know that I was so broken so I ignored it. I let myself believe that I wasn’t enough and it nearly killed me. I don’t know if I’m going to keep writing after this, but I Dean Winchester promise to live my life to the fullest and to love without fear.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	28. Chapter 28

Dean sits in his father’s car before his therapy appointment. He’s had the car for a few weeks and he’s been fixing it up. He loved the car when he was a boy and it had been left to him after his father passed away. He wasn’t sure that he even wanted to get it out of storage, because of the memories that might resurface. He and Sam had gone to get it after he got a call that the place that was storing the car was closing down. Getting behind the wheel for the first time since he was 17 was like being home. It was like they were teenagers again as they drove up and down the back roads going as fast as they could, blasting the music of their youth.

 

He watches as Sam walks into the building that held Ava’s office. He knows Sam saw him sitting there in the parking lot, but he doesn’t come to the window or look his way at all. He knows it’s because Dean has been deading this appointment. Fixing things with Cas was a walk in the park compared to what it was going to take to fix things with Sam. While there were a close as possible his brother was a stranger to him. He didn’t know what Sam truly felt or didn’t feel about anything that has happened in the last ten years. It wasn’t Sam’s fault. It was Dean’s. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to listen and now he doesn’t have a choice. This appointment is a turning point and everyone knows it. He’s been working up to it for weeks and he’s still not ready. 

 

He slowly gets out of the car and makes is way into the office building. He walks past the receptionist and to the door with Ava’s name on the front. He knocks before entering. Sam is sitting in the waiting room flipping through a magazine. He looks up and gives Dean a genuine smile and gestures to the seat next to him. He sits. They don’t say anything, which is currently the new norm. He doesn’t know what Sam is going to say and that’s what worries him the most. Everything that had happened with Ruby weighs on him. Maybe he blames Dean for her leaving. The divorce papers showed up a week after she had gone back home. Sam hadn’t cried at all. He barely even read them before he signed them and took them straight to the post office. 

 

Ava’s office door opens and both men give her a small hug before entering the room. She has her laptop today. They had tried the pen and paper a week ago, but Dean was still feeling some anxiety. The computer was better. He liked how fast she was able to type and the sound of the keys clicking was comforting to him. It reminded him of when Sam would stay up late working on extra credit assignments. The sound was calming and helped him fall asleep many times. It was almost like a safety. 

 

“How was last week?” Ava asks as they find their seats. 

 

“It was alright. I have been worried about today,” Dean replies. 

 

“Worried how?”

 

“Well, I know that Sam and I have tried to talk about things in the past and it gets to a point where I can’t listen anymore. I need help dealing with the guilt I feel when he tells me about how he feels,”

 

“You shouldn’t feel any guilt,” Sam says quickly. Dean stares at the floor and waits for someone else to say something. 

 

“Dean, why do you think that you feel guilty when you brother talks to you about the past?” He doesn’t answer fast enough, “Dean?”

 

“I know that it’s wrong, but I feel like if I had just pretended to be cured then Sam could have had a better life.”

 

“Dean…” Sam starts but Ava holds her hand up to stop him from talking further. 

 

“Do you feel that your father would have been less abusive to Sam?”

 

“I don’t know. It’s not logical. The more that we work through this, the more that nothing makes sense. I don’t know what to do with all this extra crap,”

 

“What crap?”

 

Dean looks at Sam who’s sitting quietly staring at his hands. There are tears in his eyes. He looks back to Ava and then takes a deep breath. He knows that as soon as the words leave his mouth he’s going to cry. It’s just going to bubble up and out and he won’t be able to stop or take it back. The question he’s been asking himself for years:

 

“Why did he do this to us? I want to understand why my father did this to us,” Sam sniffles next to him and he reaches out his hand and rests it on his brother's knee for a moment. 

 

“I understand. And how are you feeling about not being able to get your answers?”

 

“I’m fucking pissed. I’m angry that I can’t fight back or show him that he was wrong and that we are okay and that I’m okay. I’m mad at him for not loving me for who I was. I didn’t have it all figured out then and I didn’t know what was happening to me and all he wanted to do was sweep my ‘gayness’ under the rug.”

 

“Sam?” Sam clears his throat and starts talking. 

 

“I feel that Dean takes too much responsibility for what our father had done. There is no reason for him to feel guilty. I could have been more supportive when I was younger, but I didn’t fully understand what was going on until it was too late. I found the letters that Cas and you had been writing and it started to make sense, but by then Dad was so off the handle that I hid them. I know you think he took them, Dean. I had them the whole time. I still have them, actually. I never let them go because I knew that someday you would need them again and he would have destroyed them. I now know how much shit you’ve had to push down and not deal with to take care of me and I just want to say thank you. I love you and thank you, Dean.”

 

They are all crying. Even Ava. Of all the things that he thought Sam would tell him he didn’t think it would be “thank you”. He’s floored he doesn’t know what to say so he just cries in his brother's arms like a five-year-old. 

 

They stay locked in a tight hug for longer than is socially acceptable and Dean couldn’t care less. Sam was right. He had had to hide for most of his life to make things better for Sam. But it wasn’t only for Sam. It was for his Mom and Dad. And Cas. And Ruby. And every goddamned person he had ever met. He fought, climbed, and crawled his way through life always wanting to take care of someone else and never himself. He didn’t even know that thank you was something that he had needed to hear.

 

After the appointment and a lot more tears, Dean finally makes it home. He walks through the door and goes straight upstairs to the bedroom. He can hear Cas calling to him and making his way up the stairs. Dean is exhausted. He doesn’t think he will even make it long enough to tell Cas about what had happened. He’s pulling his shirt over his head when Cas enters the bedroom. Concern was written on his face. 

 

“So tired,” Dean gets out. Cas quickly pulls the blankets down on the bed while Dean undresses. He doesn’t ask questions or tries to get Dean to talk and he appreciates it. Dean just needs to lay down and close his eyes. He needs to process what had happened today and then work through things because he’s finally starting to see things differently. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	29. Chapter 29

The changes in Dean after the appointment with Sam are subtle at first. A little extra time in the mirror, choosing foods with more flavor, being excited about fixing up the car. Things that were what Dean wanted and not a misguided attempt to make things better for someone else. The changes get a little more noticeable as time goes on. They were laying on the couch watching HGTV, something new that Dean liked, and Dean was playing with Cas’s hair and he asks the question.

 

“Where were you thinking our wedding should be?” 

 

“It will be outside,” Dean replies casually.

 

He almost doesn’t catch what Dean had actually said. They had agreed to take things slowly and ease back into a relationship and it had been really good. It was like falling in love all over again with a different version of the same person. Dean felt different and incredibly familiar. Comfortable, but not discontented.

 

He turns in Dean’s arms and looks him in the eyes. Dean is smiling with tears in his eyes. Cas kisses him gently and then deepens the kiss. He pushes into Dean pressing their bodies together on the small space. Dean’s free hand makes its way into Cas’s hair and tugs at making Cas moan into Dean’s mouth.

 

“I love you,” Dean says. Cas stops, pulling back from Dean and stares at him. They had said I love you many times, but this was like hearing it for the first time. The emotion behind it couldn’t have been more intense. Cas feels like his heart is going to burst. “I’m yours,” Dean adds and Cas nods in agreement.

 

He’s thinking about the moment now while Dean is outside shoveling the walkway. Sam is bringing a date to dinner and Dean doesn’t want anything to fuck it up. He watches as Dean shovels and shovels. He does most things with a smile now. He says when he doesn’t want to do something, he speaks up when he doesn’t agree, he makes plans weeks in advance, he takes his medication, he laughs and sings, and sometimes he even cries.

 

He’s been writing in his journal almost every day. Cas vowed to never read it and Dean trusts him because he leaves it laying around all over the place. Cas had been tempted once or twice to just take a peek but doesn’t. It seems to keep Dean more grounded than before when he would get treatment. This felt deeper than before. It was more than just treatment and going through the motions. These changes were permanent and sticking around. That moment on the couch confirmed it. Dean was in, 100%. Not because he was going through the motions for him, but because he truly wanted to.


	30. Chapter 30

“How is your recovery different now than the times before?”

“I’m here,” Dean replies. He’s holding Cas’s hand. Eva is writing with a pencil. They had tried the pen thing a few times, but Dean’s not ready for that. He can handle a pencil.

“Yes, but how is it different?”

“I don’t know. I  _ want _ to do more things.”

“What kind of things?”

"Normal things?”

“Dean…”

“I just...I guess, I just…” He looks over at Cas who has agreed to sit in for this appointment. He nods at Dean in understanding and encouragement, “I feel like living. Even the little stuff is starting to get exciting to me. Planning things and then doing them. It feels...really good.”

Cas smiles and so does Dean. It’s true. He does feel like living, but there is something else there. Something bad and scary. Something that no matter how hard he tries keeps nagging at him and trying to pull him back to where he started.

“Is there anything else you’d like to share before we wrap up?”

“Yes,” Cas says quietly and quickly. “I don’t know what to do when you’re having a bad day. I don’t know what to say or do to help you through it and I don’t feel confident that I’m going to be enough for you to keep moving forward.”

“Dean, before you answer, I want you to really think about what Cas is saying,” Ava says gently. Even she didn’t see Cas opening up like this.

“Can I add something else?” Cas asks looking at Dean. Dean nods but doesn’t say anything.

“I didn’t bring it up to you sooner because I feel like I need the support from Ava as well. There are things that I need to talk about too and I see now that it’s important for us to not only share our pain but heal by talking about it.”

“I shut down,” Dean says truthfully. He’s worried that he’s going to backslide and things will get bad again and he won’t care about himself anymore. Depression isn’t always so white and black. It comes and goes. The pills help, but it doesn’t make it stop. He still gets pretty dark sometimes and it takes him a while to work through it.

“You do,” Cas confirms.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize to me. I just need to know how to help you in those moments.”

“I honestly don’t know. I just...need space, but want to feel safe and not like you’re angry with me.”

“Okay. I can work with that. Thank you, Dean.”

Dean's starting to realize that if he had simply done this a long time ago he wouldn’t have wasted so much time. It's his biggest regret. Wasting everyone’s time and energy. He now sees that just trying to get him through a single day was like running and marathon and he never really knew it.

“I think this is a good place to stop for today. You guys are making really good progress in your communication and I’m really pleased with both of you.”

  
They take the back way home.

“I have a question.” Cas says, “Why do you think that I’m mad at you when you’re having a bad day?”

“It seems like you get frustrated with me easily and then you disappear for hours at a time.”

“I’m sorry that I make you feel that way. I’m never upset with you personally. I just get frustrated and need time for myself. I sometimes feel like you're upset with me and I just need to figure out what I did. I don't mean to seem angry with you.”

"I guess it's my turn to apologize. God, we really are a bunch of idiots, aren’t we?”

“I agree,” Cas laughs.

They lay in bed and talk some more just like when they were young. It feels good and healing for both men to be open. Dean still wants to clam up, but he forces himself to say what he needs to say. For a moment the darkness in Dean’s mind is gone. The emotions bring tears to his eyes.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m freaking fantastic, Cas. I’m okay. I really am.” Dean says and wipes at his eyes.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	31. Chapter 31

Sam hasn’t been around in a few days and it puts Dean in a sour mood. He knows why Sam hasn’t been around but when he finds out where Sam’s been Dean’s hurt and confused. 

 

“Dean?” Cas says. They are in the kitchen cleaning up from breakfast.

 

“Hmm.”

 

“You’ve been drying that same dish for ten minutes. What’s going on?”

 

“Sam doesn’t want to be around me, I get it. I do, but for him to be with your brother a man I barely know. I’m just, I’m really...I’m pissed off! What do they even do? What do they even talk about?”

 

“Sam is going through something that we don’t truly understand.”

 

“Hey! Who’s side are you on anyway?”

 

“This isn’t about sides, Dean. I’m just reminding you that it might not be about you.”

 

“I know what it’s about and you should too,” Dean accuses. Cas does know and he’s been avoiding it. He doesn’t want Dean to backslide and if there was a time for it, it would be right about now.

 

“Give him a call and see what he has to say for himself. It’s not like you’re not on speaking terms.”

 

“No, he should come to me for once. I go to  _ him _ when I need him.”  

 

“You’re not alone, Dean and you are needed. He will come around. Just give him time. Divorces aren’t easy and neither is death.”

 

“I miss her, Cas.”

 

“Your mom was a special woman, Dean,” Cas replies and walks towards Dean to comfort him.

 

“Yeah, she was. And I need Sammy. I just…” Dean stops talking and turns back to the stack of wet plates and starts drying again.

 

“Don’t do that.”

 

“I don’t feel like being psychoanalyzed right now, Cas.”

 

“Fine. I’ll be in the laundry room if you need anything.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Cas leaves the kitchen and heads to the laundry room. He’s finishing up folding the towels when he feels arms wrap around him.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“For?”

 

“I’m worried that with everything going on, Sam is going to make some really dumb decisions just like I did. I want to be strong for him, but I’m barely strong enough for myself. And I shouldn’t have talked about your brother like that. I should be thankful that Sam has someone to talk to. Even if it’s not me.”

 

Cas turns in Dean’s arms and presses a small kiss to his lips.

 

“I love you, Dean Winchester.” Both men smile and startle when they hear the front door slam.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Charlie?” Dean calls. The two men untangle and walk into the foyer of their home.

 

“Yeah, dudes. I needed a break from work. Numbers, numbers, numbers all day every day. I’m over it. I knocked, the door was unlocked.” She looks down at their hands intertwined, “Did I interrupt?”

 

“No, we were just talking,” Cas replies.

 

“Oh good. Anyway, I thought I’d drop by and chat for a bit before I have to go back. I know it’s a rough time of year.”

 

“Thank you, Charlie,” Dean says and walks over to talk with her in the kitchen. Cas stands there in awe of the man he loves. In the past, Dean would have totally shut down and ignored her comment. He would have rather talked about his failed conversion therapy than his mother. This was big. This was monumental and Cas isn’t sure he can deal. He watches the two as they share a short hug. Dean looks up and Cas and his face changes to something a little darker. It’s there and then it’s gone. 

 

"Cas?” He asks. Charlie is looking at him too.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah,” his voice breaks. He sniffles and then realizes there are tears in his eyes.

 

“What just happened, dude? You need me to go?” Charlie asks concerned. 

 

“No, no. I’m okay!” He says. He wipes his face on his hands and enters into the kitchen and leans against the counter ready to join their conversation. Both Charlie and Dean stare at him.

 

“I’m okay. I promise. We can talk later.” Cas smiles.

 

“So anyway,” Charlie continues, ”What’s up with Sam and Gabe?”

 

Cas bursts out laughing and Dean follows.

 

“I know, right?” Dean says and laughs some more.

 

“We were just talking about that before you got here,” Cas informs. They all laugh and share some snacks before Charlie has to go back to work. It’s always nice when Charlie comes around. She’s a great friend and always tells it like it is. The two men say goodbye and go back to their chores. 

 

"What had you upset earlier?" Dean asks. Cas takes a moment to think about what he wants to say before he says it.

 

"I'm in awe of you." He says simply. 

 

"What? Why? That made you upset?"

 

"No. I wasn't upset. I was happy. When Charlie brought up your mom you didn't shut down. You thanked her and then moved on. I'm proud of you."

 

"I'm still hurting."

 

"I know you are, but you are also growing and changing and I see it and I think that maybe I can be a little more supportive in letting you know when I notice things. You are wonderful."

 

"Thanks, Cas. You're pretty great yourself." 

 

They don’t bring up Dean’s mother for the rest of the week.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pieced oddly and strangely on purpose.
> 
> If you or someone you know is feeling like ending their life, please call 1-800-273-8255.
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	32. Journal Entry - 27

_ This is about me. This is my recovery. I have made it so far and I can’t bring myself to go back. It would be so easy, but it’s not worth it and I think that’s what’s best about my recovery this time. It’s mine and I own it.  _

_ However, there is another side. I am horribly aware of how depressed I still am. I assumed at first that this would fade away with time and healing, but I’m starting to doubt that I will be able to escape the cloud that looms over my head. Every. Single. Day. _

_ It’s there mocking me and calling out to me and I work so hard to keep away from it. I do my best but sometimes it’s too powerful. Those days I’m not strong enough to fight it and it engulfs me and I don’t feel like myself and I can barely function. Sometimes it lasts a few hours and sometimes it lasts a couple of days. I can’t shut it off. I have tried. Believe me, I’ve tried. _

_ I haven’t discovered a for sure way to snap out of it, but when my friends and family are around it tends to help. Not always though. Sometimes I just want to be alone. When I’m alone I write in my notebooks or work on the car with the music blasting. Cas leaves me alone for the most part, but I know he’s worried. I know he gets scared that I’m slipping. _

_ I’ll be honest, it feels like slipping, But when I’m in it, I know it will end eventually and that’s what keeps me from going back to how I was before. I know that the depression or pain or whatever I’m feeling, it’s not forever. I don’t know if that’s progress or not, but I think I’m going to take it as a win. _

  
  



End file.
